Fix You
by derpette-Waffle
Summary: Six months of damage may take much longer to heal, but Dan isn't going anywhere.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Warning for mentions of physical and sexual abuse.**_

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Dan hadn't expected to arrive to an empty house. He'd had a pretty good day, enjoyed his holiday and had a nice flight, and had been waiting to come home to his boyfriend. He'd really been looking forward to kisses and cuddles and wherever they went from there, and Phil was meant to be home by now, but was nowhere to be found. He checked his phone for any missed calls, messages… nothing. "Phil?" he called again, voice echoing through the apartment. Strange; he'd just talked to him earlier, and Phil told him he was packing and ready to go home –that he couldn't wait to see him.

"Phil?" He checked every room, growing more and more worried with each one he found empty. "Could he just be running late?" Dan thought out loud. It wasn't impossible that Phil might have missed his train, or there was a delay. He was only meant to get back shortly before Dan, and the flight had been a bit early. He tried to put it out of his mind and just play some Pokemon, but his mind kept returning to the issue.

The more time that went by, the harder it was to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach. It was getting late, and Phil still wasn't home.

Just to be sure that Phil had actually left home like he was supposed to that morning, Dan decided to ring his parents, but they confirmed that he'd gotten on the train at nine o'clock. Dan swallowed, thanked them, and hung up.

He couldn't sleep that night, not wanting to miss when Phil came home and not wanting to sleep in their bed alone. He considered just sleeping in the bed in "his" room, but that would only feel more empty than sleeping in their bed in their room. He must've left dozens of messages, but was never met with a response. He vomited twice before morning, shaking with fear for what might've happened.

'Leave a message after the rawr!'

* * *

Winter ended, spring came and went, and summer was here. Dan was literally dragged to a smaller local convention after hardly leaving the flat for months. He was anxious over being unable to answer his phone, in case the agent from missing persons called with any news.

Dan's YouTube career had skyrocketed over the last few months. After Phil's disappearance, he'd thrown himself into making videos just to distract himself. There were no radio shows anymore –Radio 1 had promised, though, that if Phil ever came back, they would renew them. Dan was uploading a video at least once a week, and was approaching four and a half million subscribers. He cynically figured they were only pity subscriptions.

It was no secret to the internet world what Dan was going through. A week after he was reported missing, it was all over news sites that Phil "AmazingPhil" Lester was presumed kidnapped, and just another three weeks before it was decided it was safe to say he was probably dead. And like that, a lot of the world just dropped it. But Phil's family, his one-point-five million loyal subscribers, and especially his boyfriend weren't ready to give up hope.

Every one of Dan's videos ended with the number of the missing persons hotline, begging for anyone watching who might have information on his whereabouts to please call. He wasn't going to give up; he needed his love back in his life, or… at least some closure.

He loved his viewers –he really, really did, but it was getting more and more difficult to act like he was happy when he just wasn't. He had gone to see a therapist –once- two months ago, who diagnosed him with traumatic depression and prescribed medication that he wasn't going to take.

He went through the motions here, just waiting for it to be over so he could go and make another video. He hated doing this alone, he'd always had Phil here with him. He went and hugged and took pictures with fans, but with each person he felt his chest growing tighter and his stomach twisting. He wasn't equipped to do this by himself, his anxiety was too much. 'Just a few more,' he told himself, trying to stay calm. 'Then you can go home.' He tried to forget just how suffocating the empty flat was.

"Dan?"

He could've sworn he was hearing things.

He looked from his feet to the face of the person in front of him. It was badly battered, but there was no way he wouldn't recognize the love of his life.

"I- I figured I'd find you here."

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	2. Chapter 2

Dan was barely able to stay upright as he stood there in shock, just staring. It had to be a dream. Phil couldn't have just been missing for six months, two weeks and six days, and then suddenly be standing here before him. Was Dan supposed to just forget the months of torturous worrying –days of hoping and nights of praying?

Phil was very clearly hurt, so Dan tried to push his confusion to the back of his mind. He couldn't tell whether or not he should reach out and touch him, but he needed to know that he was real or if he was really starting to go crazy. For a moment, he almost wished that he wasn't. Every visible inch of Phil's pale skin was painted with red and purple and green and yellow bruising; his hair was longer, dirty and matted; there were deeper bruises on his nose and under his eyes, and there was a scar slashing from his ear to the bridge of his nose, straight through his right eye.

His breathing was ragged and through a forced smile, he looked like he was going to pass out any minute, like it took all his strength to get here. Dan reached out for the crook of his neck to try to steady him, but his heart sank to his stomach as he pulled his numb fingers away: blood.

Panicked, Dan grabbed Phil's shoulders to steady him and checked where he was bleeding from. He almost vomited at the sight of a small but deep hole in the right side of the back of Phil's neck. Feeling his boyfriend shaking in his grip, Dan lowered him, gently as possible, to lay on the floor. He tried to call for help, but his voice cracked and no sound came out as silent tears flooded down his cheeks.

There had to be dozens of people around. Why was no one calling for help?

Dan couldn't drag his eyes up away from Phil, but everyone around was in too much shock to do anything but stand by, watching in horror. After one bystander's shock wore off, they managed to pull their phone out and call for an ambulance. When the operator confirmed that someone was on their way, the caller stepped cautiously forward and tapped Dan's shoulder. "Dan…? An ambulance is coming. You- You both just hang in there, okay?"

Dan wished he could do something to comfort those who had to see this –so many of his fans here knew and really cared about what had happened to Phil, and now he was back, but they might lose him all over again. But Dan was too lost in maybe losing the love of his life again to do anything but nod, silently grateful.

Blood was starting to pool on the floor under Phil's head, and he was already drifting in and out of consciousness. Dan shakily stroked his face.

"Don't leave me, baby. Not again…"

* * *

Phil had completely lost consciousness by the time the ambulance arrived. The paramedics let Dan go with him, even let him hold his boyfriend's hand. Phil was laid out on his side, and Dan knelt beside him, staring at his beaten face and praying his eyes would open up.

Dan paced in the waiting room for an agonizing half hour, biting his nails down to the nub. A nurse offered him coffee and a comfortable seat, but he turned down both as politely as he could in his state.

When he couldn't stand the anxiety anymore, he coped just like he had for months now. He turned on his phone camera and started recording.

"So this looks like shit but I'm in the hospital waiting room. I don't know what's happening with Phil yet, but he's back and he has to be alive. He's… He's back. I can't wait to get him home. I really can't believe, after all these months… I thought he could be dead. I was starting to believe he was dead, everyone was. But he's alive, and until someone drills otherwise into my brain, that's what I'm going on."

The video was shit, but he stopped recording when a doctor came in, asking for him. Yes rushed over, eyes wide and begging for answers to questions he couldn't voice.

"He's alive. Blood transfusion was successful and he's conscious again, and expected to recover. We're going to examine him further once he's more lucid. In the meantime, he's been asking for you."

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	3. Chapter 3

Dan rushed into the room to sit at his boyfriend's side. Phil was still pale and laid there unmoving, but he was awake and looking more alert than he had at the convention. Dan was relieved for that, at least, and he needed to stay calm for Phil's sake. "Hey, you," he smiled, wiping tears from his cheeks. He reached out and took his hand, holding it up to his face to press his lips to thin fingers. "I missed you."

Phil wanted to smile back, happy to just be back with Dan, but he couldn't make the corners of his lips budge from a neutral set. He was so tired, but he couldn't sleep. He squeezed Dan's fingers for a moment before letting it hang limp again.

Dan ran his thumb over his knuckles, wincing at the protruding bones. He was too thin now; Dan wondered for the thousandth time where he could've possibly been these last six months, but Phil didn't seem to be in any state to talk about it yet. Dan smiled; his baby was here now, and had all the time in the world to tell Dan about it.

Dan tried not to question for now. He leaned in to kiss his cheek and rested his free hand on his shoulder. "The doctor's gonna examine you soon." He frowned, brow furrowing when he saw Phil flinched a little bit, feeling him tense but try to hide it. "He's gonna make sure you're okay."

Phil continued to stare at him, once bright blue eyes wide. He nodded, but Dan could still see how nervous he was. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

Phil bit his lip just briefly, and had to let it go when his teeth grazed the horribly sore bust in his bottom lip. He nodded shakily; he couldn't let go of Dan now that he had him again. Dan seemed to still care –he couldn't ask for more than that, but he couldn't take that for granted, either.

Dan forced a small smile. His heart was breaking seeing his love like this. He could only wonder what he was suffering that Dan hadn't seen yet. "Okay, baby, I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

"Please try to lay as still as possible."

The doctor seemed to be losing patience; Dan shot him a glare for the harsh tone in his voice. Phil hardly noticed at all, lying, shaking, under the x-ray machine. He felt Dan kiss his temple and he winced, tears slipping down his cheeks as he had to be strapped down to stay still.

"Babe, it's alright. It's alright," Dan mumbled reassuringly against his hair. He was worried that strapping him to the table was only bringing back horrible, painful memories for Phil; they had no right to do this without knowing what he'd been through, especially when his reaction was so telling.

Dan started to think he really didn't want to know what his boyfriend had been through, but there was no way he'd let him continue to suffer in silence. However long it took, he was going to learn everything that had happened.

* * *

The more Dan learned about what happened, the more he felt sick over it.

A nurse had been instructed to get Phil cleaned up, decontaminating extensive scars with antibacterial wipes. When she reached for his arm, Phil jumped back, drawing in on himself. Dan held him as he sat shaking, rubbing his back for eleven minutes until he relaxed enough to come out of his position curled into a ball.

Dan asked the nurse to leave and let him clean him up himself. Sympathetic, she obliged.

Dan went to gently wipe the few scars on his hands, and his forearms to as far as the sleeve would roll up. Dan's eyes grew wet as he saw the red and white lines crosshatching his fair skin. "You're gonna need to take your shirt off, babe, I need to-"

He couldn't finish his sentence before Phil was in near hysterics, clutching onto his shirt and shaking his head furiously, eyes wild and damp. Dan tried to reach out to touch his arms, try to calm him, but his boyfriend jumped so far he nearly fell off the bed. Dan panicked and grabbed him, and Phil let out a strangled sound. He refused to look Dan in the eye as his own overflowed with salty, painful tears.

Dan couldn't finish. A couple of nurses came into, three restraining him as a fourth pushed a needle into his arm. Phil was unconscious a few moments later. Dan sat in stunned silence.

* * *

"X-rays have discovered three broken ribs and four more that have healed poorly, making his breathing difficult. In addition, we recorded a broken nose, extensive healed flesh wounds and superficial wounds, bruising of varying age over seventy percent of skin surface, and a deep healed slash wound across his eye socket has left him permanently blind in that eye."

Dan tried to listen as he watched Phil sleep through the window. The doctor had pulled him out of the room to tell him what the examination had concluded, though half of the information was pretty obvious.

"Did he say anything about what happened to him?"

Dan shook his head solemnly, not look at the man in the white coat. "I'm… worried about him…" he noted grimly, wiping at his eyes.

"I saw what happened when you asked him to remove his shirt." He at least seemed a bit melancholic about it, and that was some kind of comfort to Dan. At least Phil was being looked over by people with compassion. "I've called in a specialist to examine him further for evidence of sexual assault."

Dan's breath hitched. Oh god, no...

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	4. Chapter 4

_*** A/N: Warning for mentions of rape ***_

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Dan was relieved to know that Phil would be kept unconscious for the examination. He knelt beside the bed, holding his boyfriend's hand tightly as a different doctor worked carefully behind a sheet spread across Phil's lap. Every once in a while he'd make small noises in his sleep, and Dan would lean in and press his lips to Phil's forehead, squeezing his hand and hushing him gently. He worried that he wasn't as out of it as he'd believed: that he could feel everything and was in terrible discomfort but unable to escape it. Dan kissed his forehead again. "It's almost over, baby."

The doctor finished up and got Phil's hospital issue pants back up. She didn't say anything to Dan before leaving, but if the sad, sympathetic look she gave him was anything to go by…

Dan swallowed an acidic taste in his mouth. He looked back to Phil, silently wishing that he could take the pain away; that he could've saved him; that he could've taken his place. Dan would much rather take it all for those long months than let Phil suffer it once. He felt even sicker when he found himself wondering just how many times it had happened over the six months he was gone. Was it just once, twice? A dozen or a hundred times?

"Mr. Howell?"

Dan hadn't even noticed that the primary doctor, Dr. Klein, had come into the room and was now standing beside him. The curtain once circling Phil's bed was drawn back, and he stood there, towering above Dan with clipboard in hand and a solemn look on his face. Dan looked up, anticipating wordlessly.

"Dr. Massey has concluded the exam. Based on her observations, she's estimated frequent multiple assaults spanning over the last four or five months. Fortunately, she was able to collect DNA material."

Dan let out a quiet sob, knowing what that DNA material would be. Some horrible person –or people- had raped his boyfriend, multiple times over the last few months. They had fucking cum inside him in the just a day or two ago. Dan felt his blood boil, tears pricking in his eyes.

"-And if the DNA can be matched to any person, they will be brought to justice."

Justice in this case would mean no more than a few years in prison –they'd get off easy. But Dan also knew that at least that meant they couldn't hurt anyone else, and Phil would be able to know for sure that his abuser couldn't hurt him anymore. Dan stroked Phil's cheek as he slowly started to wake up.

"Hey, have a good sleep?" he asked softly. He didn't feel comfortable having to be so gentle with Phil, who'd never needed Dan to be soft with him before. He was so much stronger once. Dan frowned as he shook his head. "Didn't think so…" he sighed. He didn't want to worry his boyfriend with his worries. He dragged his thumb over his cheekbone, grazing softly over the painful-looking scar.

* * *

The day they went home, Dr. Klein tried to hand Phil a card with the number to a crisis counselor. Phil declined softly and stumbled out the front door of the hospital. Dan was two steps behind him, pocketing the card anyway.

In the taxi, Dan was relieved that Phil laid against him, head on his shoulder. Dan hadn't been taking chances with touches: he'd touch his face, which seemed okay, but he couldn't pull Phil close to him like he wanted so desperately to. He tried once, and Phil had gone into hysterics. It was painful, but Dan didn't risk trying again. He accepted that if Phil wanted closeness, he'd initiate it himself.

He kissed the top of his head, and they rode in silence.

It wasn't until they got into their flat that the quiet was broken. "Home again, babe," Dan smiled, this time genuine. Six months, three weeks, and three days since Dan had reported Phil missing, and even longer since he'd been home before Christmas, had gone by, and finally, Phil was home.

Dan caught the ghost of a smile on his boyfriend's lips as he took in the familiar space. It made him smile a bit brighter. "I haven't touched our room except to sleep in our bed. I think it still smells like you." He tucked the counselor's number and a prescription for sedatives and antidepressants into a drawer before stepping closer to Phil. He was standing in the middle of the lounge, arms splayed out slightly at his sides, seeming to just be taking everything back in.

Dan smiled shyly and was approaching now. "Can…" He swallowed. "Can I have a kiss?"

He didn't know why he was even asking. He knew at least part of what his boyfriend had just recently been through, and now he was asking for Phil to kiss him? This was wrong. This was very wrong and he was a horrible boyfriend for being so self-

And then Phil's lips were on Dan's, soft and hesitant but there. He seemed to want it as much as Dan did, but still so scared and conditioned to please. Dan took a risk and placed his hand on his neck, stroking gently with the pad of his thumb.

When they pulled apart, Dan stared into the pale blue eyes that had lost so much luster, but he could still find love in them. He smiled and pecked his lips again softly. "Are you ready to talk about it yet?" he asked carefully. He didn't want to pressure Phil into talking yet if he wasn't ready, but he was worried he might need some prompting. He had to tiptoe delicately around the most painful bits of the past, which wasn't easy when he had so little information on what happened.

Phil shook his head sadly. "Not yet," he murmured. He'd been so quiet lately, and Dan would do anything to just hear his beautiful voice like he used to. "Soon."

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	5. Chapter 5

By the end of the week, Dan got a call saying there were no hits for the DNA collected at the hospital. He swallowed hard, thanked them, and hung up.

He made himself a sandwich, grabbed a soda and headed out into the lounge. It was a little early for lunch at 9:32 in the morning, but Dan Howell had no real sense of meal times. He turned on some random program that wouldn't be too obnoxious while he ate and browsed Tumblr. The last time he'd checked on him, Phil was asleep, and would probably continue to sleep for the next hour or so.

Last night Dan had been scrolling through his dashboard when he'd heard screaming coming from their bedroom. He nearly dropped his laptop to the floor as he ran over and rushed in. He found Phil still asleep, wrapped in some horrible nightmare. It had been a painful ten minutes of Phil screaming and thrashing stiffly on the bed before Dan could wake him up. He felt grateful for the darkness of the room –Phil didn't need to see him crying like that.

Dan had gone out to the kitchen to get him a glass of water, and in a split second decision, he grabbed the bottle of sedatives and dropped two tablets into the glass, stirring them until they dissolved completely. When he got it back to their room, he had Phil drink it –"all of it; you'll feel better"- and laid down beside him. Phil initiated contact, turning his tear-stained face away and pressing his back against Dan. Dan had obliged, spooning him and trying to fall asleep, but sleep never came.

Dan absently watched TV for a little while, trying to distract himself. He learned nothing more of what had happened to his boyfriend than what the physical evidence blatantly told him, nor was he going to push for answers, but he was growing more and more anxious every day he still didn't know. Dan knew well that the charming saying of "you'll feel better if you talk about it" was bullshit half the time, but after Phil's sudden strike of terror last night, Dan would do anything that may possibly help.

Things had been so different since Phil had come home. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable –Phil didn't seem stricken by Dan like he had at the hospital- but the flat was often in a state of uneasy silence. Once or twice a day, Phil would quietly request some time to be left alone, and disappear to the bedroom. Dan would just wait –nothing could keep him occupied- and Phil would emerge two or three hours later like nothing had happened. Sometimes he'd even spare Dana small smile, and Dan was grateful for that, at least.

A few hours went by. Dan figured Phil probably needed his space just after waking up, which he didn't dare disturb. But even knowing where he was and what he was probably doing, Dan still worried for his boyfriend. He had to hope this would either end soon, or become so routine that he hardly noticed anymore –and he prayed it wouldn't be the latter.

He heard a door creaking over the low volume of the television, and he turned it off to hear soft padding on the floor, coming closer. He craned his neck for a moment, but when he saw Phil approaching, he pretended to be reading something on his computer. He knew Phil wouldn't want to find him staring, watching him.

Dan suppressed a smile when Phil kissed the top of his head. "You sleep well after last night, baby?" he asked, not looking up at him. Dan was pretty sure he'd never called Phil 'babe' or 'baby' so much before he'd come back, but it felt nice, and he knew Phil needed extra comfort. He hoped he was doing well with it.

"Better," Phil nodded, moving to sit down next to Dan, fixing his hair. Dan smiled fondly; he needed it cut badly, but it almost reminded Dan of their early days, when their hair was longer and choppy and got in their eyes when they kissed and fell limp with sweat when they had sex.

"Good," he replied. Phil pushed at his Macbook and Dan closed it and put it aside. Phil turned and laid down across his lap, heading on the arm of the sofa, knees up and feet flat on the empty cushion. Dan pet his hair, pushing at his uneven fringe.

"I think I can talk about it now." Phil stared up at Dan with wide eyes, nervous but silently pleading to let him. Dan worried for a moment about how out of the blue this was, and that maybe he wasn't really ready, but he wasn't going to stop him. He nodded, stroking his hair, letting him go on.

"I guess I'll start from the beginning." Phil pressed himself closer to Dan, breaking eye contact as he started. "I did get on that train, the right one. I got all the way to London, and then-… And then someone up against me and he had a gun pressed to my back. 'D-Don't make a sound or I'll blow out your lung so you can't.'" He seemed to be in pain quoting his abductor, and it broke Dan's heart. He ran his thumb over his cheek, urging him to continue.

"He led me off the train and the platform. We- We started walking in the opposite direction of home. I-I… I just wanted to go home." He swallowed a sob and willed himself to stay calm. Dan needed to know. "Nobody noticed. I-I didn't think at the time about how I was effectively being kidnapped. We got to a van and he threw me into the back. The door was cracked open and when we started moving I started throwing myself against it, trying to escape. And… And when I c-couldn't, I just watched through it, until… we passed our building. I started c-crying, for the first time then. And I just… waited. They turned a corner and I fell over… hitting my head… When… When I woke up we were there…"

Dan watched as his boyfriend started to fall apart. He didn't seem like he could last much longer talking about it right now, and Dan had heard enough to shatter his heart. "Okay, baby, take a break, alright? Take a break for now. I'll make some coffee and we can continue this later, yeah?"

Phil nodded, and Dan carefully removed himself from under Phil's weight and got up to go get coffee started. When he returned with two mugs, Phil was gone, retreated into more quiet time. He set the second mug down on the table, in case he came back out before it got cold, but he wouldn't.

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	6. Chapter 6

It took a few days to revisit the issue.

Phil plopped down on the sofa next to Dan, and Dan noticed the determined look in his eyes. "Phil, you okay?" he asked carefully. "You look really… stressed." He reached out and rubbed his shoulder, but Phil flinched and Dan quickly withdrew his hand. "Something on your mind, love?"

"I need to tell you… everything." His voice was shaking but when he turned to Dan, his eyes were set, an almost wild look in them. Dan was about to tell him he didn't need to if he wasn't comfortable yet, but Phil intervened quickly. "I-I promise I won't break down this time. This is all I've been able to think about for days, and I've rehearsed it in my mind over and over. I-I can do this, I swear. A lot happened that you deserve to know about, that you need to… hear…" He bit his healing lip and met Dan's eyes. "That is… if you're okay hearing it…"

Dan nodded surely, turning his body to his boyfriend and looking straight into the panicked eyes. "I want to hear it, I want to know so I can help you." He reached out and took Phil's hand, and it didn't pull away this time. "But only if you're alright to tell me."

Phil nodded and heaved a deep breath before he got started. He was shaking and Dan winced, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "Go on," he whispered.

"I… I left off at the arrival, yeah? Okay… When we got there, he blindfolded me before dragging me out of the back of the van. He took me down… two flights of stairs. I almost fell down one of them, but he yanked me back up and I had to keep moving. When he took the blindfold off me, I was in a windowless concrete room –just a cot and a… bucket, and a flickering lamp hanging from the ceiling. It sounds so cliché, doesn't it? Y-You probably think I'm making it up…"

He was starting to close himself off again, bringing his knees up to curl into a ball, and Dan hopped into action. "Baby, no." He scooted closer, taking a chance and pulling Phil against him, holding his head against his shoulder. Dan let out a soft sigh when Phil didn't pull back or even tense up. He actually seemed to relax into Dan's touch. "I can't imagine the hell you've been through this year, but that doesn't mean I won't believe what you say happened. I believe you. Please… if you can, go on."

Phil sniffed and nodded, trying to regain his composure. He took a few deep breaths and managed to calm down, but he didn't pull away from Dan. "He kept me in there. The door was obviously locked when he came in and when he left. He told me that I better hope nothing happened to him, because if he died then I would, too."

Dan stroked his hair softly, trying to keep him calm and giving him every ounce of attention.

"He… kept me in there for the first month or so without ever really coming in. There was a chute in the wall that he'd dump some leftovers down, and what he said was every two weeks he'd leave a small water jug in the room: I had to learn how to ration it. That was how I kept time, but I don't know if it ever really was two weeks."

Dan nodded and kissed his forehead, holding his lips there for the long pause before Phil went on.

"After-… After what I think was two months, he… came into the room when I was sleeping. He laid- laid next to me on the cot, waking me up. He… 'H-Hush, sweetheart. Scream if you want, but no one's gonna hear you.'" Phil let out a quiet sob and Dan pulled him closer, tears welling in his eyes now. "He raped me, Dan. He- He raped me almost every night, and when I tried to fight, he'd beat me. And after a month or so, he started ex-experimenting."

Dan held him tight, drops rolling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could've been there to protect you."

Phil shook his head. "No… No, I would never want you to be there, even- even if it meant I wouldn't be alone." He sighed, willing himself to stay calm. "And… Sometimes he'd bring friends over for… That- That was when I started to really try to fight against it. And then they'd all beat me."

He seemed to be growing numb talking about it, and that worried Dan more than when he was crying. He kissed his forehead. "I missed you so much, baby. Everyone was waiting to just know you were okay. We were all so worried."

"You… Y-You and the viewers…?" Phil asked softly with wide eyes.

Dan didn't know why he seemed so surprised. "Yes, you twit! We missed you like crazy!"

Phil nodded, accepting it but still not quite believing. "He told me…"

Dan's eyes shot down. "What? What did he tell you, baby?"

"That… you all moved on. That I was losing subscribers every day and that you were making videos more often and getting more success on YouTube and… never seemed to even think of me anymore. He… He said you might have even moved on and gotten a girlfriend."

Dan shook his head hard. "No. No, first of all, you only gained subscribers, because more people continued to discover your videos, and they all just wanted to know when you were back and safe and uploading again. And, yes, I started making more videos because I needed something to keep myself from just crying all day, every day waiting for you. But I was always, always thinking of you. At the end of every video I was begging anyone who might've known what happened to you to please call the missing persons line. I needed you… I needed you so bad…"

"I'm sorry…"

"No. No, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm… I'm so proud of you, baby. You're a survivor. You made it out of absolute hell…" He kissed all over his face, and felt a faint smile tug at the corner of Phil's lips as he kissed them. He smiled down at him in return, wiping his remaining tears. "So strong… How… How did you get away, anyway?"

Phil sighed and relaxed against Dan's shoulder. He was finally starting to feel like he was really home. "One day he left –for work, I guess- and didn't close the door all the ways. I got over to it and out, and up the stairs." He started shaking. "He was still there. H-He stabbed me in the neck, and… I freaked out. I don't know how, but I managed to push him down the stairs and… and I ran. I-I just ran." He started to calm down a bit as that bit of the memory was past. "Once I got out of the building, I-I was pretty much home free. I knew where I was, and I just ran home. I got there finally, and was starting to feel dizzy… You weren't there. I saw something about a convention on the counter, and… and I went there. I just hoped to find you, and, I did. And then, that's where you came in…!"

Dan smiled softly. That was where they reunited. I wished now that Phil would've called for an ambulance when he found the flat empty, or at least stay home and wait, but Dan realized he may never have seen him again had he done that. He felt Phil smile against his shoulder, exhausted but content, and he allowed himself that moment to feel happier than he had in a long time.

Phil was back, safe, in his arms. Home at last, and there was much healing to do, but Dan was here for him, always.

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	7. Chapter 7

Phil had been staring at himself in the mirror, completely silent, for twenty minutes now. Dan watched from their bed, wincing as his beautiful –yes, still beautiful- boyfriend picked himself apart. Every bruise and scar was under scrutiny, dozens of reasons Phil had been putting off getting back to making videos for so long.

Phil really did want to go back to filming. Not only did he truly love doing it, but he just wanted to get back into the habit of things: return to the way things were last year, try to make everything okay again. But right now, to get in front of the camera and upload a video looking like he did now, there would be no mistaking that no, things weren't the same.

"You ready to try again, babe?" Dan asked calmly, patiently. It was getting late, and though he'd probably be up much later, he knew Phil would need some rest. He could use all the sleep he could get nowadays. Dan had been trying to avoid giving him sedatives, limiting their use to times when the nightmares were just too much.

This had been going on for two hours: Phil would make an attempt at recording, Dan out of the shot, supporting him, and then Phil would lose his nerve and turn the camera back off and try to fix himself up. He'd covered his face in blending makeup, heavily concentrated on the pinkish scar slashed through his eye. There was no mistaking it, though: bruises were still clear as day and his blind eye was a sick milky color.

"I look awful," he mumbled to himself, hoping Dan wouldn't hear. "I don't want them to see me like this."

"Wanna give it another shot?" Dan leaned back on his hands and reached into his pocket, pulling his phone out. "Just one more take? We'll keep trying, but tomorrow. You need some rest, but just one more try tonight." He was a bi distracted as he typed something out on his phone, but he looked up to note Phil's response.

Phil let out a shaky breath and nodded, shuffling back to the bed and taking his place in front of the camera. Dan moved behind it, finger hovering over the record button. He waited for Phil's say-so.

Phil ran his hands anxiously over his jeans, comforted by the friction, able to feel something other than his nerves on fire. The physical evidence of everything was so obvious, and he didn't want his viewers to see. They probably wouldn't worry. Dan gave him an encouraging nod, and Phil reluctantly decided to get this over with, try just one more time tonight.

"Hey guys, so, I'm… back." He didn't care if this was awkward, it was far from the final take. "You're probably wondering where I've been these last seven months. Well… I'm fine, don't worry. Just… don't…" He was shaking; Dan wished this was easier for him. "Don't even think about it. The point is I'm back now, and I'll try to get back into a sort of biweekly schedule…?" He wasn't as animated as he usually was filming, and kept trying to hide his face as much as he could while still letting his voice through.

"I think we can call it a night," Dan pressed, turning the camera off. He looked at his phone for a minute, smiling slightly as Phil watched him. After a moment, it brightened into a grin. "You can go to sleep soon, but first I want to show you something."

Dan grabbed his Macbook and opened it up on the bed in front of him. Phil moved closer to see what Dan was doing. He opened his Tumblr and went to a post he'd made, and… "Oh god."

There were three pictures posted: one Dan had snuck of Phil at the hospital, another the day he'd come home, and a third from last night. Phil started shaking seeing those on Dan's page –they would be everywhere now, pictures of him in a state he'd never wanted his viewers to see him in. "Goddamn it, Dan!" He punched him in the arm, tears in his eyes.

"No, Phil, just look. Read it." Dan reached out to rub his shoulder. Phil pulled away from it, but read what the post said anyway.

'My baby's home. He wants to get back into the routine of things, go back to how everything was before he was kidnapped. He's safe now, but he's still carrying the burden with him, most obviously in the bruises and scars all over him, broken bones and blinded in one eye. These are battle wounds, signs of his strength and will, and I'm so proud of him. These aren't flaws, not in my eyes, but he still sees them that way. He didn't want you guys to see him like this, so he's put off filming. He's been trying for hours to gain the confidence to record, but he keeps having to step away. He was scared of what would happen if his subscribers saw him like this, but now that you have, there can't be anything to worry about, yeah? Prove it to him; let him know how beautiful he is, scars and all.'

Phil shook his head. He loved Dan, and did trust that he believed what he was saying was true, but it wasn't something he could just accept. This was damage, and there was nothing else to it. If anything, it was proof of how weak he'd been, beaten and-

"I posted that ten minutes ago. Over three thousand notes already –damn! See what they had to say." Dan moved the laptop to Phil and sat back.

Phil blinked tears from his eyes and decided to give it a shot. He skimmed through what some people had to say.

' brisinwonderland: Phil you are amazing! You are beautiful and perfect in every way no matter what. We love you Phil and miss you. We want you to make videos again because your awesome! Please make more videos we want to see you beautiful face!'

' procrastinationpowers: Phil, you're back! Stay strong little lion. We love you and Dan loves you, an we are so happy that you have returned alive. Just remember the bruises just remind us how strong you have been, and how strong you will remain. We will support through these times, because we phil lions care.'

' sophiathemisfit: Phil, we all love you so much! I can't even put into words how much I- we- want to see you again. We were so worried about you, Phil. I was starting to think you were dead! No one gives a fuck about how you look, we're just so glad you're okay. You don't have to make a video of you don't want to, but we'll all support you no matter what.

' allons-ymotherfuckers: I know there are some things you just can't forget but just focus on the happy things like all the people that loves you. You can think that subscribers are just a number but they are actually the number of people that cares about you! Please don't give up, for you and for us!'

' litsy-kalyptica: Those scars and bruises are badges of honor proving how hard you fought to stay alive, and how you kept strong even when hope seemed lost. Stay strong; we love you.'

Phil wasn't bothering to keep the tears from falling. He skimmed through and found thousands of more comments like those ones. He couldn't believe people actually thought this, and… maybe thousands of people couldn't be wrong.

Dan smiled, wiping at his own eyes after looking through them himself on his phone while Phil was reading. He leaned in and pulled his boyfriend tight against him, stroking his hair.

"Dan… I think we should try again in the morning…?"

* * *

_**A/N: Reviews = quicker updates! And yeah I wrote this after midnight.**_


	8. Chapter 8

Over the next few months he started to heal –more physically than emotionally, but he was getting there, slow and steady. Bruises faded until only a few remained, ones they were told would never be gone completely. Scars softened from red to white, and some from white to near invisible. His nose healed and he removed the splint, relieved to find there was no bump remaining like after the first time, and his ribs set well and breathing wasn't so difficult. His hair was fixed but kept a bit longer than it had been in December.

His boyfriend was happy just to see him starting to feel better.

Dan plopped down on the sofa next to Phil, watching him for a moment as he worked on editing a new video. He smiled; Phil had started posting again with a still insecure little video telling that he was back and was going to be alright, uploaded August 7th. Since coming home, he'd uploaded seven videos and was finishing up an eighth –"I need to make up for those months I wasn't uploading." That had made Dan a bit uneasy, that Phil seemed to still carry guilt for what had happened, but he was just glad that he seemed to be happy doing it.

Phil looked up from his work for a moment and smiled at Dan's smile before returning to editing. Dan tilted his head and continued watching. He had grown used to Phil wearing his glasses, and black insert in the lens over his blind eye to hide the damage. He knew Phil was hoping to get a glass replacement eye soon.

Dan reached out and gently flicked a finger back and forth against his headphones. Phil pulled them off and turned to his boyfriend, his attention refocusing. "Yeah?"

"Halloween's two days away. You know what you're gonna be?"

"Um, I made a Halloween video to upload tomorrow, but I didn't dress up or anything." He ran a hand through his hair. "I figured I'd skip the costume this year."

Dan pulled a humorously dramatic face at that. "Not dress up on Halloween? Of all people in their late twenties who-"

"_Late_ twenties?" Phil laughed, half-offended.

Dan laughed with him, knowing that would get him. "Fine, mid-twenties."

Phil shook his head, smiling tightly but fondly. "This is what I get for dating a _kid_."

Dan smirked and leaned in to kiss his lips sweetly, letting them linger as Phil kissed back. It was chaste and short but full of love, and both pulled back smiling. "Anyway, of all people in their mid-twenties that I'd expect to dress up for Halloween, it would be you. Why don't you wanna wear a costume?"

"Well, I already made the video, and I didn't plan on… going to any parties or anything…"

"No, babe, we're going to a party." He scooted closer, knowing why Phil wasn't planning to go out on Friday, but he tried to not leave any room for protest. He grabbed Phil's hand, intertwining their fingers and looking him straight in the eye. "We're gonna go, in costume, and we're gonna have fun with our friends. And then we're gonna come back here piss drunk and kiss and enjoy the rest of the night alone, cuddling and watching 80s horror movies til the sun comes up."

Phil smiled at Dan's plan. "Sounds perfect…" he mused, looking back to his computer screen for a moment. "… Okay, let's do it."

Dan grinned brightly and kissed his cheek. "I have the perfect idea for costumes, too."

* * *

Dan smiled as he walked down the street with his boyfriend for the first time in months.

It took about a half hour of convincing, begging and bribing to get Phil to leave the house. He'd been afraid to go out and in all seriousness hadn't left since returning home from the hospital. Anything he needed, Dan gladly went to go get (usually requesting another friend's company so he wouldn't be alone and bored out in the city), but it was time for Phil to finally get out of the flat.

Dan squeezed his hand tightly all the way they walked; his boyfriend was smiling but visibly anxious, eyes darting every which way as if he expected his attacker to come jumping out at him. It broke Dan's heart that that was probably exactly what he was thinking.

"I'm excited," Phil murmured, pressing himself closer to his boyfriend as they walked down the street, not caring at all who saw their hands laced so tightly together. "Thank you for dragging me out."

Dan laughed and kissed his cheek. "My pleasure."

* * *

They'd gone dressed as each other. It had been Dan's idea, and he'd been left to put most of it together himself. Phil sort of regretted not pitching in when he had to wear Dan's leather shirt, but it was worth it when Dan proved it to be evened out by wearing Phil's blue starry shirt, the one Dan said look like a little boy's pyjamas. Dan was obviously a bit taller and skinnier in build, so the shirts didn't quite fit right on each other. They were wearing matching black skinny jeans and each other's most eccentric pair of sneakers, parted their fringes to the opposite sides, and Dan had put temporary black dye in his hair. They'd tried to dye Phil's brown for tonight, but it hadn't shown through.

* * *

The party was a lot of fun, and friends were commenting on how their costumes were "the most blatantly matching couple costumes" they'd ever seen. Both men decided to take that as a compliment.

They were talking with a few friends when one girl they hadn't seen in a while patted Phil's shoulder. "Good to have you back. Want a drink, sweetheart?"

And Dan knew he would need to interject there. He stepped between them, not trying to come off as rude but needing to separate her from Phil. It was too late, though.

'Sweetheart' was the major trigger word for Phil, what his abductor had called him and something Dan had accidentally used once, and made sure to never use again. The mild alcohol in Phil's system couldn't be helping, either, as he slipped deep into flashback. He stood there in the sea of people, looking stunned and breathing shallowly.

"Phil?" Dan prompted cautiously, being sure not to touch him because it would only make it worse. He worried that with the trigger, alcohol and confined space, Phil would have a panic attack. "Phil, look at me. It's me, it's Dan, I'm here." He pushed his fringe back to the other side, messy but making himself a bit more recognizable in Phil's one good eye. "Babe, it's me. You're here with me, you're safe." Phil's lack of response was the worst reaction he could probably be giving right now.

After a few minutes, Phil started to calm down and slowly brought his eyes up to meet Dan's. He looked so tired, but not fearful. Dan let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. People were starting to stare at them, but he didn't give a damn. "Do you wanna go home, baby?" he asked as softly as he could over the music.

Phil nodded silently, taking Dan's hand and running his thumb over the knuckles as he let himself be led out. He tried to call a thank you out to the host, but nothing came out.

* * *

Back at their flat, the two of them just curled up on the sofa like they'd planned too, though considerably more sober. Phil was sitting upright; Dan sat against the arm of the sofa with his legs over Phil's lap. They were sharing chocolate kisses, in both senses. They weren't in a constant lip lock as they sat there watching bad horror movies, but every now and then one would give the other sweet peck.

One film ended and before Dan got up to put on another, he had to address something. He got Phil's attention with a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Baby… about what happened at the party… are you okay? Are you… alright?"

Phil took a moment before nodding. "Yeah… I think it's… getting better."

Dan bit his lip, relieved that he hadn't been put into too poor a state , but feeling a question he'd been suppressing rising to the surface and slipping past his lips. "Will you talk to the counselor?"

Phil tensed and shook his head, forcing a smile. "No, Dan, I'm fine. I'm getting better, really. Don't worry about it, I don't need to talk to a shrink, I'm not… I'm not crazy."

"Phil, getting help doesn't mean-"

"Dan, I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to look out for me, but I don't want to do it. I'm healing and you can see it, right?"

Dan nodded slowly.

"See? I mean, it'll take time but I'm gonna be fine. I swear it."

Dan decided to let it go, not wanting to argue. He pressed his face into Phil's shoulder and couldn't help but smile when he felt him kiss the top of his head.

"Thank you, though."

* * *

_**A/N: Reviews = quicker updates!**_


	9. Chapter 9

"I'm sorry, Mum, really. I can't-… I already told you I can't be home for Christmas this year. Phil needs me to stay with him… Yes, yes he's going to his family's house, but so am I. He's my boyfriend and he's had a horrible year, the least I could do is finally spend the holidays with him. I-" Dan threw his hand down against his side; he couldn't be bothered to argue anymore.

Phil was sitting in the lounge, hearing every word of Dan's end, feeling horrible that mother and son were arguing over what had been his idea in the first place. He just wanted to spend Christmas with his boyfriend, especially with the gift he had for him.

Dan honestly wanted to go and spend Christmas with Phil and his family. They'd all been through over six months of hell this year when Phil had been kidnapped; all so afraid they'd never see each other again.

Dan came in and sat beside him a few minutes later, looking stressed but smiling as he took Phil's hand. "She'll get over it," he promised lightly, kissing his knuckles.

Phil nodded, and they didn't speak of it again.

* * *

They never asked each other what they wanted for Christmas. They knew the other well enough to get them something they would love, so it was best to keep them completely in the dark by not letting them even influence it. In fact, they went out of their way to not know what his boyfriend wanted, and would have fun teasing by starting to try to say what they wanted.

They were both kneeling on the floor of their bedroom, packing for two weeks with Phil's family. Phil was almost done with his own bags and would help Dan –ever the procrastinator and not nearly finished- once he was done. He carefully snuck his gift for Dan out of view, shoving it into his duffel bag and zipping it shut.

"So do you wanna run through the 'eves'?" Dan asked, smiling over his shoulder.

Phil smiled brightly. "Happy Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve."

* * *

Four AM, Christmas morning.

"Phil, wake up."

Phil rolled over in his sleep, almost falling out of bed. He could feel Dan nudging him, but he wasn't quite ready to wake up yet. Dan seemed persistent, though. "Phil, come on. I have a surprise for you."

Phil forced his eyes open to see Dan up and fully dressed in an adorable festive jumper and dark jeans and boots. Phil wondered if he'd slept at all last night. "Mm… Merry Christmas, Daniel," he smiled sleepily.

Dan smiled at his tired boyfriend, bending down to kiss his forehead. "Merry Christmas, angel. Come on, get dressed, we have somewhere to go."

Phil sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Where could we possibly have to go this early on Christmas?"

"You'll see. Get dressed."

* * *

They walked through darkness for a while, which made Phil very nervous. He didn't like being out alone or at night, and clung to Dan's arm, walking close to him. He tried to play it off like it was just because of the cold.

Dan saw straight through it, and stopped walking for a moment to turn and hug him tight. "Almost there, baby. It's okay, don't be scared. Almost there."

* * *

Phil just stared in wonderment when they arrived at the snowy field. He'd been here before, of course, but he'd never seen it look so pristine, even in the darkness. He hated being out in the cold, but Dan kept him feeling warm just by being there with him.

They settled up on a dry rock, sitting close to each other. Dan reached into his bag and pulled out a thermos and two Christmas mugs and poured coffee for them both. "Cheers!" he grinned, and they clinked their mugs together before sipping at their drinks, warming them from the inside out.

"I would've brought you out here later, when the sun came up, but I knew you'd wanna be with your family once they wake up. This was gonna be the only time on Christmas that we could be alone." He took his hand gently, squeezing it. "I love you, Phil. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone."

Phil smiled and was about to say the same, but he felt Dan's lips on his and he couldn't let that go. He kissed back, someone's tongue licking at the seam of the other man's lips but god knows if they knew whose it was. Dan gently laid his boyfriend down on the rock, his hand between Phil's head and the stone to keep him comfortable; his other hand came up to Phil's neck, thumb stroking his jawline. "I love you," he whispered again between warm kisses.

Phil breath hitched against Dan's lips, and Dan pulled away, expecting to find a look of discomfort but finding nothing but love in his boyfriend's eyes. Dan smiled down at him fondly, not moving his hands away from what they were doing. "Do you want your gift now?" he asked.

"No, unless it's another kiss."

Dan laughed and obliged eagerly.

* * *

They had time to themselves again that night. Christmas had been wonderful, and Dan made a mental note to spend it here more often. They hadn't exchanged gifts with each other yet, and Dan was getting impatient to give his.

Phil returned from the bathroom, fully dressed in soft pyjamas after his shower. He found Dan sitting on his bed, the bed they were obviously sharing. "Miss me?" he joked, sitting next to him.

"I did, actually," Dan smiled, kissing him sweetly. "I have to give you your gift."

Phil nodded, smiling nervously at the thought of giving Dan what he had for him.

Dan grinned and fumbled through his bag, pulling out a brightly wrapped box. "Here," he presented, pushing it into Phil's hands. Phil smiled at Dan's enthusiasm and started to pull away the pretty paper.

Inside was a small wooden box, and Phil instinctively open it up. He laughed happily as it started to play a soft rendition of the instrumental version of "Interrupted by Fireworks." "Oh Dan…" he sighed, smile plastered onto his face. He closed it back up and found some writing carved into the lid. He strained his eye to read it…

'October 2009 i want to be there so you dont have to be brave'

His breath caught in his throat. "Dan…"

"I want you to take this with you wherever you may go without me, so I can always still be there." Dan pressed his lips to Phil's cheek gently, and then his lips. "Merry Christmas."

Phil sputtered a bit before throwing himself into Dan's arms, wrapping his own around him tightly and kissing his cheek. "Thank you…" He pulled back and wiped tears from his eyes. "Okay… Time for yours."

He reached into his duffel bag and pulled it out, hiding it behind his back. He took a deep breath before getting down on his knees.

"Dan… Thank you. Just, thank you so much. I want you to know that when I was locked away, all I could think about was you. I wasn't worried for my own safety, just praying that you were handling well. It felt selfish even at the time, but I kept hoping that you would still be waiting, just that you wouldn't be too worried. I… I knew I couldn't blame you if you moved on, but the thought broke my heart. I-… I'm sorry, this sounds so awkward and horrible, but-…"

Dan frowned at how anxious he was getting and pulled gently at his arms to be able to take his hands in his. Phil was in a state where he didn't think to resist, and by the time he realized, it was too late.

Dan stared at the maroon velvet box in Phil's hands, just in shock. As it set in what was going on, he felt tears spring to his eyes.

Phil tried to go on as planned, but any attempt at a memorized speech was completely lost now. He had to improvise. "I know you're young and- and maybe you're not ready to settle down yet, but I've never been sure of anything in my life. I… I bought this last year, and wanted to propose the day we came home. I know it's late now, but… I love you so much… more than… anything…" He let out a shaky breath. "I-I want to try to make you as happy as you can get every day forever. I want to spend my whole life with you –I've wanted that for a long time. So… Daniel James Howell… will you m-marry me?"

Dan's lip trembled and he couldn't vocalize an answer. He nodded, tears slipping down his cheeks and getting off the bed, down to Phil's level and pulling him in close.

"Yes," he managed to choke out, pressing his face into his neck. The familiar smell calmed him, knowing Phil would be by his side for eternity now –as cliché as it sounded. "Yes, I'll marry you."

* * *

When they sat down to breakfast with everyone the next morning, neither said anything about the engagement just yet. Dan, however, still made a show of the silver band on his finger, assuring that everyone saw it and knew exactly what it meant. Still, there were nothing but smiles all around, especially for the fiancés with their hands linked under the table.

* * *

_**A/N:**__**That is the 4th Phan proposal I've written: two from Dan and two from Phil! :') Remember, reviews = quicker updates!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: This chapter contains self-harm and mild gore.**_

* * *

They didn't even think about actual marriage for five months, just enjoying the engagement and horribly milking "fiancé" until it wasn't a real word to them anymore. Then one day at the end of April, eating junk food and watching TV in the lounge, Dan's mind started to wander to the actual wedding itself. They'd agreed to have a big, fun wedding with family and friends, a smaller ceremony and then a huge party for the reception. To Dan at least, though it was obviously a huge deal, the ceremony itself was too boring to really be valued too much. He wouldn't be paying any attention to what the officiator was saying, drowning in just how stunning his husband-to-be looked instead, standing in front of him, waiting for the two of them to just be pronounced husbands. Then they'd go and have fun, eating and drinking and just having a great time at the reception. Dan couldn't wait.

They wanted to get married on their anniversary, October 20th. Dan still smiled remembering how it only took one day of knowing each other in person for Phil to ask him out, to be his boyfriend, and how eagerly he himself had said yes. He never once regretted it.

He found himself image searching venues and tuxes and cakes, invitations and favors and wedding bands that wouldn't be too fancy or expensive. He was falling more and more in love with the idea as he discovered the options, but was anxious to have to make a decision in the near future. If they wanted to get married in six months, they should probably get at least some planning done now. But he and Phil had the same tastes in most everything; compromise shouldn't be difficult, and maybe not even necessary.

He decided to test it out, picking a few of his favorite options for a venue and picking up his Macbook to bring to their bedroom, where he was pretty certain Phil was asleep. He didn't bother knocking, of course.

"Hey, Phil, I was looking at some-…" He never finished his sentence, dropping his laptop to the ground at the sight before him.

Phil was sat on the bed in his shorts, staring wide-eyed up at Dan as he entered. "Dan, I-I…" he stuttered, dropping the small blade to the sheet. He curled in on himself, no longer aware of the blood dripping from his upper arms and inner thighs, down onto the ragged old towel he was sat on. "I'm sorry…"

Dan rushed forward then, taking one of his fiancé's wrists and tugging gently on his arm to examine the damage. He was speechless for a long moment, mouth opening and closing as he tried to say something. "Why?" he eventually choked out. "I thought…"

"I thought so, too," Phil answered sadly, not needing Dan to finish what he was saying. "But ever since a year went by since he took me, I've been having nightmares, and… and it hurts, Dan."

Dan sighed, gently kissing one of the self-inflicted wounds, shuddering at the taste of blood on his lips; he was ready to vomit. "I…" He had no idea what to say. "Let's go for a walk."

* * *

"How long ago did you start hurting yourself?" Dan asked after they walked a mile or so.

Phil bit his lip hard enough to sting and leaned against his fiancé. "Today. I didn't want to but I did, and I'm sorry."

"It's not weakness, babe, but… Please, you need to get help." Dan was begging now for maybe the tenth time, pleading with Phil to see a psychiatrist. He knew that Phil had to be in a really dark place to do this in the first place, and it wasn't going to be easy to come out of that, but Dan would try to lead the way.

"I… I'll try to talk to someone about it, Dan." He kissed his cheek gently in assurance. "I promise."

Dan gave a small smile and leaned in to kiss him on the lips, sweet but full of love and hope.

* * *

They kept walking a while in silence. Dan would occasionally squeeze Phil's hand, or Phil would squeeze Dan's or lay his head on his shoulder. Dan was getting hungry and was about to ask where Phil wanted to go and eat when suddenly their hands disconnected. "Phil-?" He spun around to see Phil standing still, staring blankly at a building. It didn't look very conspicuous, a little rundown maybe, but otherwise not unlike the rest of the buildings on this street. "Phil, are you okay?" He approached cautiously, trying to determine what exactly he was looking at.

"This…" His voice was quiet and trembling slightly, but his gaze was firm and set. "It's where he kept me."

Dan's mouth dropped open and he stared at the building as well. This place was where his baby had been held captive for over six months last year, and he knew the memories were still very fresh in Phil's mind –they probably always would be.

And then suddenly Phil was running forward, to the door. Dan ran after him, watching as Phil opened the unlocked door and going inside. "Babe-!" He headed in behind him, heart pounding hard as he worried the man might still be here and ready to strike.

The smell hit hard, and Dan reeled back. Phil wasn't overtly affected by it and he headed to the stairs, going down slowly, each step solid. Dan followed, groaning when he found that the stench was growing stronger but not about to let Phil out of his sight, here of all places. At the bottom of two flights of stairs, the source was found in a decayed body.

"I… I must have killed him when I pushed him down the stairs…" Phil was in shock. Dan came closer to lay a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it to keep him calm. Phil was gone a moment later, running up the stairs.

Dan sighed, slouching against the wall and ignoring the smell now. He could only imagine how Phil must be feeling about that: this man may have hurt him in ways Dan couldn't even imagine, but at the same time he'd never meant to kill him. He'd never meant to do anything to him, Phil just reacted when the man came after him in his escape. He'd been so scared, and-

Footsteps could be heard rushing back down the stairs and minute later, and Dan watch Phil come down with fire in his eyes. He stood by as his fiancé kneeled down by the body on the floor, drew back a kitchen knife, and stabbed it in the ribcage. Dan felt a rush of adrenaline as Phil stabbed again, and again, and again.

By the end of it, Phil had stabbed the decayed monster two dozen times, and both men were splattered with bits of rotted flesh. Dan pulled Phil up from his knees and held him tight against him. Phil dropped the knife to the floor and squeezed Dan back, burying his face into his shoulder.

Dan pulled away slightly, and was relieved to find that their faces were clean as he leaned in to kiss Phil full on the mouth, every ounce of love and passion and pride seeping from his lips and into Phil's.

* * *

Later that night, lying in bed curled into one another, Phil promised Dan that on their wedding night, over a year of abstinence would come to an end.

* * *

_**A/N: Reviews = quicker updates!**_


	11. Chapter 11

Being them, Dan and Phil could only hope that everything went right today, but the odds were against them.

Dan stood in front of a long mirror, adjusting his bow tie with shaky hands and brushing imaginary dust from his suit jacket. The tuxedo had been fitted perfectly, but Dan felt as if it was suffocating him where it cinched at the waist. Every nerve was on fire; he couldn't stop worrying over what could potentially go wrong on the one day it needed to go right. He looked himself over, picking apart the minutest details and wishing he had slept more the night before, until a pair of familiar arms wrapped snugly around his torso.

Dan smiled, pushing his concerns to the back of his mind and loosely held the hands fisted against his jacket. "No," he grinned. "You're gonna get both our tuxes all wrinkly."

"Don't care," Phil responded, head down and face pressed into Dan's shoulder, breathing deeply to take in the scent of that new cologne he'd bought for his future husband. "Smell so good."

Dan laughed and pried the arms off his waist. "No, really. I want everything to be perfect today and it can't start with us wearing wrinkled up suits. We're the grooms, for fuck's sake, aren't we supposed to look more incredible than anyone out there?"

Phil smiled and turned Dan around by his shoulders so he could get a good look at him. He had expected Dan to look stunning, but not this stunning. Seeing his fiancé –husband in just an hour or so- looking so amazingly gorgeous in his wedding tuxedo, not just willing but eager to marry him, made Phil a bit breathless. He went to look the taller man dead in the eye, but lowered his gaze a bit, blushing as he found him staring, too. "You look…" There was honestly no word to describe it. "… You look brilliant."

Dan hardly noticed he had said anything, too busy drinking in his fiancé in his own tux, admiring how it fit him in all the right ways. He tried to say something, but just let out an embarrassed laugh every time he was going to say anything about it. He wiped the mistiness from his eyes. "Damn that no kissing rule…" he mumbled through a bright smile. He reached in to grab Phil's face and kiss him hard, but Phil pulled away.

"No, no kissing until we're pronounced husbands," Phil scolded, smirking. "You've made it this long already-"

"Don't remind me," Dan groaned.

"You've made it this long without a kiss, just another hour or so." He hugged Dan tightly but pulled back after only a few seconds. "I'm gonna g check how everything going. I'll see you at the altar."

Dan had to smile at that thought, watching him go. He fiddled with the buttons on his jacket, his anxiety over tonight's ceremony starting to subside.

* * *

Phil pulled the cards out of his pocket –he'd tried so hard to memorize what he wanted to say, but he knew he was not articulate enough to get it right. He had the entire speech on the card, and though he didn't want to be reading right off of it, he didn't want to disappoint Dan by messing this up, either. His hands were shaking almost too badly to read the words printed.

He gasped quietly as Dan laid a hand on his wrist, reassuring and calming him. Dan pulled back and Phil smiled gratefully, swallowing his nerves.

"Dan, when I tried to write this, I honestly had no idea what to say. There was so much I'd already told you, but still so much left to be said that I would never fit it into the entire ceremony, let alone this little piece of it. I… I was falling in love with you long before we met in person, maybe two months before we actually said it. And I haven't ever regretted it… I mean, if I had any doubt that we could happily spend our lives together, I wouldn't have ever asked you to marry me, for your own sake. I regret a lot of things I've done in my life, but you're not one of them." He stopped talking for a second, laughing nervously as he realized how dirty that might've sounded. He was relieved when Dan laughed with him. "Anyway, we've been through so much together over the last six years. At this point I'm finding it difficult imagining how I could get through anything without you. We…" He bit his lip for a moment. "We both went through a lot last year, and though we like to think we've gotten past it, it's not gonna be something we can really forget. But I don't want those six months apart to define the next fifty, sixty years of our life together. We'll continue to help each other to move on, but still remember that we love each other as much as we did on either side of that. But let's put our focus on all the good times we've already had, and all the great times we have ahead of us." He smiled brightly, probably the brightest he had in a long, long time. "I promise to keep loving you like I've never loved anyone else, to spend every day working to make you smile, and every night holding you in my arms. I love you, Daniel –then, now, and forever."

Dan's eyes were welling up, and he smiled fondly at how Phil was wiping his own tears away, stuffing the cards back into his pocket. Dan mouthed an 'I love you' to him, but he wasn't sure if he saw it or not.

Dan's hands were sweating as he pulled his cue card out of his pocket. He had his vows mostly memorized, but he kept the card on him to make sure it went as smoothly as it could. Now with his fiancé in front of him, looking amazing in his tuxedo with a soft smile on his face, Dan had to wrack his brain for the words he was supposed to be reciting. He glanced down at the card nervously, taking in some key words to refresh himself, and looked back to Phil. He stared into his eyes –his one good one and the other immaculately painted glass one, the flesh around it healed pretty well. Phil smiled a bit wider as the pause drew out, silently encouraging Dan that it would be fine, urging him to go on. Dan felt the corner of his lips twitch as things suddenly felt lighter.

"I made a lot of dumb decisions when I was a teenager –yes, more so than would probably be considered a normal amount of mistakes. But when I was seventeen, I had a kind of crazy idea that I was going to make you mine. That… That was probably the best decision of my life." He paused for a moment, not letting himself reminisce too deeply. "We fell in love. I-" He laughed. "I was a fangirl and achieved every fangirl's dream. And… what teenager doesn't want to marry their idol?... Well, I never really stopped chasing you. Sometimes I can't quite catch up, but that's when you grab my hand and lead me along with you, into your light. And those times, those times are when I know what we have is real, and forever. You've been a constant in my life for six years to the day now. I want nothing more out of the rest of my life than to spend it with you, because I know that as long as you're here beside me, I'm gonna be okay." He flipped the card over in his hand absently. "These aren't vows, exactly; I'm not promising you anything I can't know the future has in store for us. These are just some things I wanted you to know today, and for everyone in this room right now to hear. But I will promise you one thing." He dropped the card to the floor and took both of Phil's hands in his own, staring straight into his eyes. "I promise to love you until the day I die, and for whatever eternity there may be beyond that. I swear that to you; I pledge my heart to you."

Phil knew that it was coming soon, anyway, so he didn't bother waiting for the man officiating the ceremony to announce them as husbands. Tears pricking in his eyes again at the beginning of Dan's speech, slipping freely down his cheeks by the end, he couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed Dan's face and pulled him in, kissing him hard on the mouth. Dan reciprocated immediately, wrapping his arms around Phil's waist and tugging him closer. This kiss was well worth the wait, the most amazing they'd ever had, full of love and passion and the promise of eternity. Their guests were enthusiastically applauding.

The man marrying them laughed awkwardly, smiling but used to couples waiting for instruction to kiss. This wasn't an unwelcome change, though.

"I, uh, now pronounce you husbands; Mr. and Mr. Howell-Lester."

* * *

The ceremony was wonderful as far as the heartfelt and touching moments went. The reception was the fun part.

Neither groom had any qualms about drinking a bit much at the party. Still, they both knew how much alcohol they could handle without getting sloppy, and stuck firmly to that, knowing they would be ending their spell of abstinence tonight and wanting to remember it in the morning.

"Was I not right about the cake?" Dan asked his husband, laughing over the music as Phil saw it for the first time, playfully shoving him.

"It does look pretty great," Phil admitted, smiling. The cake was four tiers tall, white icing and dark chocolate trickled from the top of each cake. "I guess it's a good thing you handled it. I almost was gonna go for 'wedding cake roulette.'"

Dan laughed, imagining all their guests either loving or disgusted with their slices. "That would be anarchy. It'd be amazing." He kissed Phil's cheek dramatically. "Who would suspect the sweet and adorable Phil Howell-Lester to be so diabolical at his own wedding?"

Phil grinned and pulled away slightly. "I know you've got your own plans. I swear though, if you shove cake into my face, it's gonna mean war."

Dan smirked and ruffled his hair. "Is that a challenge?"

* * *

It was nearing the end of the reception. Dan and Phil just stood against each other on the dance floor, swaying slowly in vague rhythm to the music. The world around them was moving slowly; they were ignorant to anything but each other. Their faces and hair and shirts were covered in cake after Dan had accepted the challenge. Neither had actually tasted the dessert, but were saving a piece. Phil laid his head against Dan's shoulder, and Dan buried his nose in his hair.

Phil moaned softly, and Dan stroked a hand up and down his back. "Dan?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Can this night just never end? Can we just stay here like this forever?"

Dan smiled and kissed his head. "As long as you want."

Phil smiled softly, kissing Dan's shoulder. They stayed just like that until the reception ended and after, until the management told them they needed to go.

* * *

_**A/N: Reviews = quicker updates!**_


	12. Chapter 12A

It was late by the time they got to the fancy hotel room, almost midnight, but tired as they were, neither man had any intention of sleeping yet. Dan's lips moved to Phil's neck and the electricity from the sweet touch was enough to jolt them both to full attention. They stumbled over each other through the door, and Phil kicked t shut behind them before Dan gently pressed him up against it.

"Dan…" he moaned, tilting his head back to give his husband better access as he started to move his lips a bit more hungrily. He fumbled blindly with Dan's bow tie and the buttons of his shirt. Dan bit down at his Adam's apple and Phil had to stop with the shirt, gripping the expensive fabric instead.

"You love my mouth on you, don't you, baby?" Dan smirked, licking a stripe back up to his jawline and nibbling there. He started to multitask, sucking down his husband's neck again as he undid Phil's bow tie, tossing it aside and going for the first few buttons of his shirt. He got two unhooked and pushed the fabric aside so he could bite down gently at the junction between Phil's neck and his goddamn shoulders, one side and then staying on the other.

Both men were feeling butterflies in their stomachs. They hadn't had sex since before they'd left for Christmas in 2013. Dan had playfully called them virgins again, but he was honestly fucking nervous. He'd asked Phil maybe every night if he was sure that he wanted this –"we can wait as long as you need, baby. If you're not comfortable, we'll wait." He still wasn't sure if Phil had agreed because he really wanted to make love to his husband or just to please him, but Dan knew Phil's good moans from his bad ones.

"Dan, let's-" He gasped quietly as Dan continued to unbutton his shirt, splaying his hands against the pale skin. "Let's take this to the bed, yeah? It looks so nice… just begging to be broken…"

Dan smirked against his husband's skin and leaned back up to kiss his lips sweetly. "Lead the way."

Phil smiled and took Dan's hand, lacing their fingers together and pulling him toward the fancy hotel bed. He sat down on the edge, wrapping his arms loosely around Dan's waist and kissing his stomach through the shirt. "You know, I specifically told them not to put all these decorative pillows on our bed; everything but the sheets are just gonna end up on the floor, anyway." He bounced slightly, testing the bed itself. "It's soft, though. I think it'll do… just fine." He rested his chin in the dip of Dan's ribcage, staring up at him fondly.

Dan bit his lip as he watched Phil bounce on the mattress, imagining him doing so on something quite different. He stroked a hand through his husband's hair, smiling down at him. "Okay, lover boy; move up or over or anywhere that'll let me lay down with you."

Phil fixed his hair, moving back on the bed and lying down. Dan was removing his belt and shoes, and his breath caught in his throat when he turned back to find the other Mr. Howell-Lester spread out on the bed, a black halo around his head on the pillow with some mussed into his eyes, shirt hanging open to reveal the entirety of his pale torso. Phil was staring over at him, love with a hint of lust evident on his beautiful face.

Dan knew that look well even after almost two years: Phil was offering himself up to Dan, relinquishing control as he had all the trust in the world in him.

Dan smiled and moved back toward the bed, slowly kneeling on the mattress. "I know I asked you to move over so I could lie next to you, but…" He carefully lowered himself on top of his husband, knees on either side of his thighs, propped up on his elbows and forearms beside his head. "I think I like this much better."

He attached their lips and they kissed for a long moment before Dan started to move his mouth further down, nipping at the broad shoulders and trailing kisses down his chest. He glanced over the old scars, shaking his head. "You're so beautiful, baby." He kissed his stomach. "You've always been so beautiful."

Phil smiled and ran his fingers through the dark brown hair. "If I'm beautiful, you're breathtaking." He wouldn't tell him how the closer Dan got to the edge of his trousers, the more nervous Phil was growing. But something else was growing, too, and he was more than willing to let his husband know about that. "I want you so badly, Dan…" he moaned, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

Dan smiled against the skin just above his naval, feeling the straining bulge in Phil's pants against his collarbones. "I can tell," he grinned, moving back up his body. He kissed all his favorites bits of Phil's flesh as he made his slow, painfully slow ascent. He leaned briefly into Phil's hand stroking his hair before bringing his head back down to lay a kiss on his sternum. He frowned slightly when he felt Phil's heart pounding fast against his lips.

He skipped over the rest and came up to kiss Phil sweetly, bringing his hand up to stroke his thumb over his cheek. "Are you nervous, sweetheart?" He kicked himself for using that word –of all the times and situations he could forget what that word entailed, it had to be their wedding night, during fucking foreplay.

Phil jolted a bit, but otherwise didn't react. He took both of Dan's hands, twining their fingers and leaning up to kiss the apologies away. "I… I want you to take me back tonight, Dan. Take me completely."

Dan swallowed hard. They were both versatile with sex, and he was more than happy to let Phil top tonight, especially if it meant his husband wouldn't be reminded of the abuse. He bit his lip, debating over what to do, but the look of certainty in Phil's eyes made him a bit less anxious. He leaned in close, kissing him sweetly. "Are you sure, Phil? I'd be more than happy to bottom for you." He stroked his cheek and kissed the tip of his nose.

Phil smiled against his lips. He didn't mind the position they took, but he wanted Dan to remind him physically how sex didn't have to hurt. He'd been scared to make love to his boyfriend-turned-husband for too long. He wanted Dan to take him back to how they were before. "I'm sure."

Dan nodded and kissed him one more time, letting his lips linger, before he reached over the side of the bed. They'd stopped at a shop on the way to pick up their favorite lubricant –they never used condoms. He tore off the plastic and set it aside for when they needed it. He unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it somewhere across the room; he left Phil's shirt on the way it was. "I don't want you to move. You look so beautiful… Wait-" He reached for Phil's wrists and moved them so his hands rested over his head. He grinned at his work, taking in his husband's pose on the bed. "Yes. Perfect."

Phil smiled up at him, relaxing into the position. He moaned quietly, knowing it would get Dan worked up. "Are you gonna take care of me?" he asked, sickeningly sweetly.

Dan smirked, nodding, love in his eyes. "Yes, angel. I'm gonna take good care of you." He went to unzip his trousers, but took a moment to palm himself. "See what you do to me?" he groaned.

Phil smiled at his own work. "You're doing the same to me, you twat." He laughed lightly, wishing he could touch himself as Dan did, but not about to disappoint his husband by moving from his position. "But that would hardly be disappointing, yeah?"

"What?"

Phil didn't realize he'd said it out loud. "I, uh… You don't want me to t-touch myself, because that would mean moving my hands from above my head."

Dan grinned at his husband's natural obedience, but it did leave a sort of bitter taste in his mouth. "I'm gonna take good care of you," he repeated, determined to keep Phil's thoughts far away from the man who had hurt him. He felt like he was riding a fine line between the dirty talk that he knew got Phil writhing for him, and being too dominating like his abductor had been. He tried to push those thoughts to the back of his mind; he loved Phil and would never, ever hurt him, so he needed to trust himself to do right by him, to make him feel good and nothing but good.

Dan pulled his trousers off and got back on the bed. "You're getting desperate, aren't you? You never wanna touch yourself so early on." He rested his hand over the bulge in Phil's pants, feeling him squirm under him but refusing to move. He smirked and bent his head down to bite his shoulder. "Tell me how you want it."

"Oh god, Dan…" Phil was moaning loudly, bucking his hips up to grind against Dan's hand, the friction winding him up tighter. "Dan, I want you. I need you, I need you inside me."

Dan smiled and started to rub him a bit, feather light and painfully slow. He knew he couldn't make himself hold back much longer. "I want to be inside you, too, my angel," he whispered into his ear. He unzipped Phil's trousers and went to pull them down. "Lift your hips." Phil immediately obliged and Dan yanked everything down at once.

He heard Phil moan as he was finally rid of the confinement of his boxers, but didn't lift his eyes just yet. He waited until he got Phil naked except for the shirt loose and open on his body. He didn't want to take him in until he could take him all in. He stood at the end of the bed and drank in his husband's perfect form, left breathless. "You are just so…" There was no word for it. He hadn't seen Phil naked in twenty-two months, but to see him now, his husband, like this… it was well worth the wait. He didn't finish his sentence.

* * *

_**A/N: Had to divide it up because it was getting way too long. Reviews = quicker updates!**_


	13. Chapter 12B

Dan pulled his boxers down to make things even, gasping as his erection was finally freed and resisting the urge to stroke himself, knowing he wouldn't last at all if he did. He laid himself back over Phil, kissing him lovingly. He needed to buy time to calm himself down a bit so he wouldn't cum before he was inside his husband.

Phil wasn't being so patient, rutting up against his husband and groaning at the skin on skin contact. "Dan…" he whined against the lips on his own. "Please… Now…"

Dan pulled away just a bit. A trail of saliva still connecting their mouths and Phil's flushed face and pleading eyes were more than enough to get him to comply. He grasped blindly for the bottle of lube and popped the cap, moving down Phil's body and trailing sweet kisses as he went.

It was when Dan was spreading his thighs apart and settling down between his legs that Phil started to grow anxious again. He was feeling uncomfortably exposed, even knowing that this was Dan and Dan loved him and would never hurt him. He shifted uneasily, hands clenching and unclenching as he resisted the urge to use them to help him pull himself away.

Dan stroked a lube-slicked fingertip over his entrance, and Phil let out a yelp and pulled away completely, fighting the drive to curl in on himself.

Dan jumped when Phil had reacted, and stepped into action. He moved up the bed and gently wrapped his arms around his shaking husband, stroking back his damp dark hair and pressing his lips to his forehead.

"Calm down, baby, it's just me," he attempted to soothe him. "It's Dan, your husband. I'm not- I'm not gonna hurt you." The thought that Phil could maybe think that he would hurt him broke Dan's heart. "It's just me. I'm here. I love you-" he kissed his cheek softly, "so much."

Phil started to calm down and relax in Dan's arms. He hated what had just happened, hated himself for effectively ruining their wedding night, when he had been the one to promise this would go well and they would make love. "I'm sorry, Dan…" he mumbled, guilty.

Dan shook his head. "Don't apologize," he insisted. The night wasn't ruined, and it wasn't over. He pulled his husband impossibly closer. "I know you wanted me to top tonight, but I think you'd feel better if you take me instead." He hushed any protest. "I love feeling you inside me," he reminded, a genuine smile on his face as he stroked his husband's cheek. Phil nodded shakily.

Dan kissed him quickly before taking the bottle in hand again. He squeezed a fair amount into his palm, set the bottle aside and rubbed his hands together. Once it was warmed up, he reached one hand forward and the other back behind him. He slowly slicked Phil's cock, hand moving teasingly slow, and pressed two fingers into himself, knowing he could take it.

"My fingers are nothing like your dick, baby," Dan moaned, fucking himself on his fingers, adding a third and groaning deeply.

Phil was writhing under him now, forgetting any of what he'd been through with that monster, unable to think of anything but Dan. "I love you so much," he said softly, his whole heart pouring into those little words. Dan smiled breathlessly and briefly leaned down to kiss him passionately, pulling back too quickly for Phil's taste. "Dan…"

"Hang on, baby." He moved to straddle Phil's hips, reaching behind to line Phil's member up with his entrance. "I love you." He sank down, body tensing all over in pleasure as he felt himself filled up with more than his fingers. "Agh, fuck," he groaned as he came down completely. He didn't bother giving himself time to adjust as he started moving.

Phil watched Dan intently, breathing hard as he saw and felt everything Dan was doing. He'd missed this so much, but he'd just been so scared. "I love you, Dan," he panted out. "I love you." He unconsciously thrust up into his husband.

Dan moaned loudly, moving faster. "M-More, baby, more!" He was already coming undone, so close to climax, desperate for it.

Phil reached forward and took Dan's cock in his hand, stroking sporadically and pushing his hips up to meet Dan's rocking on him. He wrapped his arms around his husband's waist and pulled him down against him, holding him close as Dan kept moving desperately. Sweat slick bodies pressed against each other, and Dan's throbbing cock was trapped between their stomachs as Phil stroked him near completion. "C-Cum for me, baby," he whispered to him, moaning as he felt Dan's walls pulsing around him.

Dan cried out as he came between them, moving his hips desperately to ride it out. He purposely clenched and unclenched tight around Phil's cock, trying to draw him to climax before his own finished. "I- I want you to cum inside me, baby. Come on, take me, make me yours forever in one last way tonight."

Phil let out a surprisingly high moan as the tension snapped, seeing white spots and twitching all over as he released inside Dan. He pulled him in and they kissed sloppily until they both came down from their orgasmic bliss.

"I love you."

* * *

Dan laid his head against Phil's chest, happy to take the submissive sleeping position again. "Being the big spoon can get tiring sometimes," he mused, playing with his husband's fingers in his own.

Phil kissed the top of his head and watched as Dan tried to occupy himself. It was nearing one in the morning; they'd settled down in bed now, under the covers. The room was surprisingly cold once the sweat on their skin cooled. They were tired and honestly fucked out, but sleep had not yet come to them. They were happy to just lie there together in the meantime.

"So…" Dan hummed, fiddling with the wedding band on Phil's finger, one identical to his own. "We're married now." He couldn't contain the excited smile on his face now. They had their whole life to look forward to now –they were no longer individuals with two separate lives, they were one soul with one future ahead of them. Sure, they'd have their own pieces –"subplots," Dan had proudly dubbed them- but it was all part of a bigger story from this point forward: the story of their marriage.

"Yeah…" Phil smiled fondly, no idea what to really say. "We are."

Dan laughed and leaned up to kiss him before settling again, resting deeper against Phil's chest. "I'll make sure you never regret it."

"I never would, Dan," Phil responded, tone light but serious.

Dan smiled, but it faded quickly. "I won't let you ever be hurt again. I… I'll never forgive myself for letting that monster get you. You were so nearby, and… I'm sorry. I should've worked harder to find you."

Phil shook his head sternly and held Dan closer. "No. There's no way you could've known. I don't want you to keep letting that eat at you, babe. We're not letting it shape the rest of our marriage, remember? We're focusing on the good times."

Dan hated that they were returning to their earliest roles; Dan wallowing over something and Phil comforting him, assuring him that everything was okay. Dan hated that he was acting like the victim when it was Phil who'd been put through months of pain. "Stop that."

"What?"

"Stop trying to protect me. And I need to stop acting like I was put through the most. We're here for each other, and that can't be onesided. Promise me we'll work on that?"

Phil nodded. It sounded reasonable. "Yeah, sweetheart, I promise."

Dan smiled and settled down again. "Sleepy…"

"Go to sleep, then, baby. I'll be right here in the morning."

"Not like you could move from under me," Dan laughed, kissing his chest.

"Goodnight, Mr. Howell-Lester."

Dan smiled brightly against his skin. "Goodnight." He cuddled into the silence, tired and letting Phil's heartbeat lull him to sleep.

* * *

_**A/N: My first time writing Phan smut. Reviews = quicker updates!**_


	14. Chapter 13

**April 2022**

Dan stumbled on his way in with the bags weighing him down. "I'm too old for this…" he mumbled, grumpy for having to take it all in himself. He set the bags down in the kitchen and dragged his feet down to the bedroom down the hall. "Ugh, why is it so bright in here?" he laughed as he plopped down on the bed beside his husband, rubbing at his eyes.

Phil smiled at him quickly before returning to his work on his laptop. "There are finally lights in here that aren't below 400 lux." He tried to keep multitasking, wanting to talk to Dan but putting the final touches on a video. "I can't believe you kept it so dark in here, how did you stand it?"

"It was just for filming," Dan shrugged. "I fixed it in editing, right?" He waited for Phil to agree with him, laughing when all he got was silence. "Right?" he prompted again.

Phil shrugged, innocently feigning indifference. "Sure you did," he laughed, shaking his head. "Turning up the exposure doesn't fix a lighting problem, Dan; you can only really fix bad lighting with better lighting. I watch your videos, you look like a sheep."

Dan was about to argue before, "… Wait, a sheet or a sheep?"

"A sheep, yeah," Phil responded in all seriousness. He saved his work and closed the program, opening up YouTube and setting it to upload. In the meantime, he had something else he wanted to get done quickly.

Dan laughed and just went with it. He turned his back on him, pretending to be offended by the comment on his video editing. "So, what are you doing?" he asked casually, laying his head back against his shoulder and trying to see what was happening on the screen. Phil had been working or whatever for a few hours now, and Dan was getting lonely waiting for him. "Editing?" he guessed, not at a proper angle to really see.

Phil swiped playfully at Dan's face. "No," he grumbled, deep in concentration.

Dan smirked and turned to see for himself. "You're… making a new channel?"

Phil hummed an affirmative, tongue poking through his lips as he worked at it. "For Natalie."

Dan stared for a moment. "Babe, I don't think 18-month-olds need YouTube channels." He rested his chin on his shoulder, on his hands and knees behind his husband and quickly pecking his neck.

Phil smiled, shaking his head. "It's so we can post videos of her without spamming our own channels."

Dan hadn't even thought about that. They'd already discussed how much they were each willing to allow Natalie to be in videos on the internet at all, and Phil had managed to convince Dan that there was no harm in it, and recording her would preserve memories a lot better than anything else would.

"And then maybe we can give it to her when she's older! Maybe YouTube will run in the family." Phil laughed and leaned back into his husband for a moment, kissing his cheek.

Dan laughed with him. "Okay." He kissed his neck again sweetly. "How are you feeling today?"

"Better, thanks!"

He smiled. It was slow progress, but therapy had really worked for his husband, and Dan couldn't be more grateful for that. "Come on." He kissed his lips. "Let's go meet our daughter."

* * *

**October 2025**

"Play nice, Nat!" Dan called across the playground to where little Natalie was playing with two little boys, but didn't seem to be sharing her sand toys. He huffed out a laugh; Phil was over there with her, sitting on the edge of the sandbox but sort of just watching on.

Dan was sort of more the disciplinary parent; if Natalie was throwing a tantrum or hitting someone with her toys, that was an immediate five minutes in the corner, or locked in her daddy's lap until she agreed to behave. But a little bit of not sharing was nothing to have her in trouble for. He was the one more willing to punish her; Phil didn't want to oppress her and make her rebel as a teenager. Dan teased him for acting like the stereotypical new age artist parent.

They maybe weren't the most traditionally ideal parents, but they loved their daughter and meant to do well by her, and Natalie was a happy child who loved both her daddies. She was always fed well and healthy, clean and dressed appropriately for the weather. She'd started preschool and everyone loved her.

"I think we're doing a pretty good job," Dan mused to himself.

He watched his husband pick their daughter up from the sand pit and almost trip over a few kids as he brought her over to Dan. "Someone isn't playing nice with the other kids, so I think it's time to go home."

Dan was a bit surprised that Phil was disciplining Natalie, but it was kind of a pleasant surprise. "Oh, well, maybe next time she'll know next time to share her toys." He stood up from the bench and stroked the little girl's hair. "Come on, let's go home."

* * *

The two could never keep their little angel punished for long, and they were already taking her home from the playground early.

"Higher, Daddy!" Natalie laughed as the little family walked toward the apartment, prompting Phil to lift her higher before setting her back down, and again, and again. It was a quicker and more fun way to walk along, and just as fun for the parents as the child. Dan got a kick out of just watching.

"What should we get for dinner?" Phil asked his husband, Natalie giggling as he picked her up and propped her up on his hip.

"Definitely takeout, I don't have time to cook tonight." It was Dan's turn to cook dinner while Phil watched Natalie, but he had a video to work on.

Natalie smiled brightly, knowing exactly what getting takeout meant. "Daddy making a video?" she asked hopefully. She was such a little ham for the camera, and wanted to make an appearance in Dan's new video like she had in Phil's most recent.

Dan smiled back at her. "Yeah, Daddy's making a video." He dropped the grin from his face. "But little girls who don't play nice with other kids don't get to be in videos."

She took on a look of horror. "Daddy, no!" she begged, squealing in distress.

Phil smiled at his husband's teasing, then turned to their daughter. "Maybe if Nat apologizes and promises to be good tomorrow, Daddy will let her be in the video." Dan had no idea why he liked to speak to their child in the third person, but it wasn't hurting anyone. He rolled his eyes playfully nonetheless.

"Mkay… I sorry, Daddy."

Dan nodded and stepped closer to kiss her cheek. "Okay, I'll see where I can squeeze you in," he smiled.

They decided on picking up Chinese before going home. They didn't like giving Natalie junk food, and had cut it (mostly) out of their own diets as well, just so they could keep up with an energetic four-year-old.

They came to a more crowded area of the city, and Dan took over carrying Natalie. He kept his eyes on Phil, who seemed to be growing more anxious with every stranger that passed by. "You okay?" he whispered, but received no response.

Dan knew what he was thinking. He'd been surrounded by people when one had first put a gun to his back, over ten years ago. And all the time, all the therapy, and even knowing his attacker was long dead couldn't keep him from growing tense in crowds, nerves on fire as if waiting to feel something pressed to his back and a threatening voice whispering into his ear.

Dan winced sympathetically and took Phil's shaking hand in his own, knowing some wounds would never fully heal.

* * *

_**A/N: Thank you all for reading! This was a lot of fun to write, I'm sorry for any feels I may have broken, please review, and have a happy 2014! **_


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